Navigating a Loss of Libido

The last year has seen headlines such as "Sex Toy Sales Surge During the Coronavirus Pandemic", and the picture has been painted that the pandemic has lead to a thriving sexual desire. However, this is not always the case and in fact quite the opposite happened for many of us.

There are several factors that can cause a loss of libido. Mental health and feelings of stress, anxiety and depression can all lead to a diminished sex drive.

This is perfectly natural, and you are not alone.

Working in the sex industry, I am often asked by peers and customers how to bring sexy back when you simply are not feeling sexy at all. Honestly, there is no magic potion that can snap us out of a funk. Libido is fluid and it can come and go in waves of desire. But if it goes, it can come back. And there are many ways to encourage and boost libido.

Healthy Lifestyle

Ok look, I am not going to tell you to join a gym or stop eating take away food (how could I when I barely take that advice...), but even the smallest of change can help.

The NHS and other health organisations all highlight the importance of a healthy lifestyle in maintaining a thriving sex drive. This includes healthy eating, exercise and making sure you are getting plenty of sleep. It is also suggested to quit smoking as people who have done so often express they have noticeably boosted energy and sex drive levels.

A wise person once told me that when it comes to progress: “Slow-gress is better than no-gress”. Even cutting down a little, going for one extra walk, eating one less naughty take-away a week, it all helps.

Flying Solo? 

Let's face it, dating is hard enough, let alone when you're experiencing any mental illness. By all means go and get on a dating app or ask that cutie out at the coffee shop if you feel up for it, but if you're not up for exploring with someone else (or like me, are very happily single!) here's my top tip; date yourself. 

You do not need a partner to have good sex.

There is a lot of talk about self-love and self-care around mental health topics. As an extension of that, I truly believe there is power in dating yourself, being kind to yourself, and treating yourself!

Set aside time for you.

Treat yourself to some new underwear - whatever you like that makes you feel sexy and confident whether that's a strappy harness-style bra or some snug new boxers. Like the feeling of shaved legs? Shave them for yourself! Get dressed up and go for some nice food, or see that film at the cinema you've been meaning to get to.

Ok, so you've had a lovely date night for one, now it's bed time...

Turn off your phone. Set the mood with some music. Light some candles. Have a bath.

Take some time to gently caress and explore your entire body. Did you know that besides the genitals, reports show 30+ erogenous zones? From the nape of the neck to the inner wrist, to the nipples and the inner thigh, there are multiple areas across your whole body with heightened levels of sensitivity.

Need help getting started? Read an erotic book.

Watch an erotic film. And I don’t just mean porn (although there is an increasing amount of good pornography created by, and featuring, real queer people – check out GenderFlux and Erika Lust ) but watching a saucy film can really help set the mood.

 MY TOP SAUCY FILMS:

Below her Mouth – ok the story line is cliché, married woman becomes infatuated with the female builder next door, but damn those are some hot girl on girl (and masturbation!) sex scenes.

The Secretary ­– soft BDSM between a sexy shy secretary and her sadistic (male) boss. Seriously, I want to be a sexretary after seeing this film…

L-Word – not a film, I know, but every episode contains sex (thank you Shane!!).

 As you work your way towards your genitals, lubrication is a great tool to get things started. Using lube has not only been linked to increasing your chances of orgasming, but the smooth slippery glide also makes everything feel sooo much better. This is especially useful if you are not producing as much natural wetness which is a common side effect from taking medication for mental health.

Last, but certainly not least, buy a sex toy.

Like with lubrication, sex toys can also be a great tool to help get things started. People with vulvas who are seeking external stimulation, check out a suction stimulator - the air technology simulates a sucking and blowing action on the clitoris! For internal massage, get your hands on a classic vibrator - they're slighter longer in length to hit internal g-spots. Fancy a bit of internal and external stimulation? Rabbits are the one! They tease the clitoris and internal g-spot at the same time. For anal exploration, a butt plug is a great place to start.

In a relationship?

First thing to do, is to check in with each other. Sometimes a loss of sex drive corresponds to underlying relationship problems. Open and honest communication is key here to resolve any unspoken issues which will make you feel closer and therefore want those intimate moments more.

Even if your relationship is in a good place, there are still many reasons you may not be feeling particularly sexual. If you are experiencing feelings of depression, stress, anxiety, or generally overwhelmed with things, tell your partner so you can get the help and support you need.

Communicate with them that you do adore them, tell them what you love about them, but explain that you are struggling right now.

Just because you may not want “it”, does not mean they have to stop. Encourage your partner to masturbate. Maybe surprise them by going through your archives and re-sending a naughty picture of yourself. You could even purchase them a sex toy so they can have a really saucy solo encounter.

Together, there are things you can do to encourage libido. Start small with some cuddling. Cuddling and affection releases endorphins which not only boosts your mood, but makes you feel closer and connected with your partner. Studies have even found that couples who often cuddle report higher levels of relationship satisfaction. Holding hands, a long embrace, snuggling on the sofa - any form of physical contact will release this endorphin.

Plan a date night. Set aside time for some romance and mark it in the diary. Try and curb the pressure for sex by discussing how it may or may not lead to sex, but either way you can treat it is an evening to really work on your relationship and other intimacy together.

Set the mood by sending a text during the day or leaving a note somewhere they will find. Something simple like “I can’t wait for date night” or maybe even something more suggestive like “make sure you wear that underwear I love tonight”. Plan a nice meal, turn your phones off, light some candles, put on some music, and just be together.

As I mentioned in the "Flying Solo" section, reading an erotic book, watching a sensual film or some pornography is a great way to get things heated. This is true with a partner as well! So cosy up with something naughty (see above for some suggestions!) and see where things go... 

Try a sensual massage. Not only does this involve lots of touch, but it can simultaneously relax and excite you.

Engage in some kissing if you feel like it and enjoy a make out session.

Perhaps try taking relaxing bubble bath together and enjoy the feel of skin on skin.

If a bath (and getting naked) feels like too much, try exploring each other’s body on top of clothes. Gently glide your hands over every last part of each other; from the nape of the neck, tracing the collar bone down, lightly stroke the inner arm, graze up the inner thigh...

If you are starting to feel aroused, listen to your body and let it flow. Lubrication is the best tool to really get things going, and there is no shame in needing a little help. Darling it’s better when wetter, and it feels bloody amazing!

Another way to encourage that sexy feeling is exploring sex toys together! Either use your favourite one on each other, or you could try something specifically designed for couples. A body massager, also known as a wand, gives deep muscle massages and is great not only for the ultimate back rub, but to stimulate and arouse erogenous zones as well.

Asexuality

Another thing to consider is if you are in fact asexual. This is a sexual orientation where a person does not experience sexual attraction and is also completely natural and normal. For more information on asexuality, click here.

In conclusion...

If none of this works, just know that is ok.

People with mental health, and particularly those on medication, often report that they struggle to reach climax. Remember, it is about the journey, not the destination. Whether solo or with a partner, try and relax and enjoy the moment without pressuring yourself to reach orgasm.

I know it is hard to get started, but the more sex you have the more you will want it. Listen to your body and if you suddenly get the urge, the best advice I can give is to act on it.